Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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