I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He did a backflip because drugs
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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