Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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