how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
