I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
