smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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