dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
