I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
