The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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