My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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