Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
