she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
