You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize