The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
