I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
As shirtless as possible
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
