So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
