I only kidnapped one of them. chill
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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