Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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