She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
