ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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