Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You are a genius and a whore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
