i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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