I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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