i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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