I think i peed on brittanys purse
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
