is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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