mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
