I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
