Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
