My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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