a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
