I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
