I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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