Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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