I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
