Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can text with my tongue
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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