Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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