By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize