Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
