my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
