the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
