is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
