I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
