Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
