Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
