I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
