Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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