I smell stomach acid.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
