I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
