I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
