I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
