Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize