she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Alive.
So much puke
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
