the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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