well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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