Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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